Maybe we don’t get to have it all

I’ve been reading up a lot lately on peak athletic performances and championship winning athletes and one thing has become very clear. None of them managed to have the greatest successes while balancing sport, career and a relationship. It’s made me really start to question, can we truly have it all?

I mean obviously you can right? But can you have them all at the same time. All the amazing athletes I know only have 2 out of 3 while achieving their sporting goals. Is it due to a lot of time? Are there really not enough hours in a day?

Being an international athlete is a full time job. People train 15-30 hours a week, watch their diet, alter their social outings and rest as much as possible to avoid burn out.

A full time job is 30-40 hrs a week plus your commute, potential extra work at home to prep unless of course you are just getting established in your field, in which case, you work double time to ensure you make a great impression. This career will be pay your mortgage after all.

Relationships have no off switch, no punch out clock and no set hours for “practice”. You have your commitments to your family, your new commitments to their family and of course the commitment to a lack of selfishness. It’s a full time job in itself! A rewarding one no doubt but a full time job.

With each item requiring  such large amounts of time, such intensity and such dedication. It’s no wonder the people who I see trying to balance all 3 struggle on at least one, and it’s usually the sporting career. Work and relationships are emotionally and mentally exhausting. That doesn’t leave you with a lot of strength to focus on sport, especially not international level.

Is the key to achieving your athletic goals to hold off on some of your other ones? Does limiting your tasks and scope increase performance and personal achievement? In my experience, it does. 

My most successful friends in sport, business and relationships all have one thing in common. They only ever focused on crushing 2 out of the 3 at a time. 

I know I want it all, however I also know I will never settle for being mediocre… At anything. 

Den XO

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Maybe goodbye isn’t so sad after all

I’ve been thinking a lot about goodbyes lately…

I always grew up thinking that goodbye was such a sad word. I mean in movies people are usually sad when they say it whether it’s to a friend before a move, a relationship they just ended or a loved one in death. 

I’m realizing now that goodbye can and should be applied to lifestyle changes as well. It’s difficult to move on to new challenges and realities you hadn’t envisioned. 

However it can also be a positive thing.

I never thought I’d say this but as the day I get to say goodbye to Judas forever approaches, I become happier and happier. I look forward to that day because I feel that I will be finally eliminating my life of toxins and negativity. Although my feelings for him have sunk like the titanic, his miserable presence still stops me from fully shinning. It’s just like a parasite that sucks away your smile and positive energy. I always assumed I would be devastated to no longer have him in my life but now I look forward to the fact that although he impacted my future, he won’t physically get to be apart of it and its successes. Saying goodbye will be incredibly empowering and inspiring for me. 

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Eventually the clouds part…

I was once told the most valuable thing for me to learn to do would be to see my problems as storm clouds. You see whether a light drizzle or a hurricane, all storms eventually pass. The only way to get stuck in a storm is to continue to chase after it. If you just stood still, it would eventually pass you and the sun would shine again.

I can honestly say that my sun is shinning. It took me almost a year to fully understand that metaphor and how to apply it however now I’m crushing it.

When you let the storm run its course and pass, you discover some amazing opportunities and paths that were blocked off to you by the negativity of the storm. 

While my path is not yet complete, I can tell you that everyday I feel like a new brick is laid down and my ultimate destiny becomes stronger and brighter. 

I thought the storm of 7 months ago was the end of my world. I’m so excited that it’s turned out to be my beginning. 

Let your storms pass my friends, and then shine brighter than you ever thought possible. It feels fantastic.

Den XO

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Enter bachelor number 3

McBuff is HOT! This man is all muscle and he knows his bod is rocking. Definitely the hottest of the men in my life at the moment.

He is in the service industry and let me assure you he is good at what he does. This well kept man has a low bullshit tolerance and a laugh that could steal anyone’s attention. It is simply captivating.

I was set up with McBuff by a friend of mine who just wanted to see two “great guys” end up together. Drinks and apps turned into a nearly 5 hour date where the topics were boundary less and the laughs constant. I found it very friend like at first however with each passing day since the date I’ve found myself more intrigued to know more about this beautiful man. It’s rare that we go 24 hours without speaking and not just a quick “hey how was your day” kind of thing.

I like how he takes care of his body and understands my obsession with fitness. I like the fact that he wasn’t afraid to open the “X Files” and be open to all topics of conversation. People often chose to be insanely private or on their best behaviour when getting to know a new potential suitor. It felt like we were just ourselves. Most of all, I like the face he made when he laughed! It was just so genuine, adorable and attractive. He is completely different from Super Mario and from Prada yet it all works.

You just can’t fake conversation like this. It’s too fun and it’s so natural.

He had everything I could ask for in a man. All we need o figure out is where we stand on the chemistry scale. Are we fireworks, sparks or a match that just won’t take. To be continued I suppose…

Den XO

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When relationships end they often leave a set of scars. Some of them are shallow while others are incredibly deep and take forever to heal, if they ever do. Taylor Swift has a great song on her album “1989” about the break up and healing process that I can’t help but identify strongly with: “Clean”

Its been nearly two months since my final battle with Judas. I’ll never forget that night. The yelling, the crying, the pain, the disbelief and most of all the realization that the person I was looking at was simply a mere shade of who I was hoping he was.

“The drought was the very worst. When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst”

The build up for the break up was terrible. I felt like I was in the desert and I was dying of thirst. Thirst for affection, commitment, honesty and most of all trust. It was exhausting trying to find an ounce of proof or hope that he was being real and that we were making it work. That all changed on December 8th.

“The rain came pouring down. When I was drowning that’s when I could finally breath.”

It was intense. I went home so angry! My world had officially caved in on me and I had no clue what was happening. I felt so overwhelmed and yet as the sky turned black and the storm hit, I felt free. I feel like I lost 160lbs that night. By the time morning came, I felt lighter, stronger and happier. You don’t realize how exhausting it is to be the only person fighting for something. You don’t realize how toxic something has become while you are still submerged in it. When I woke up and I was no longer upset, I new I was already starting to heal.

“So I punched a whole in the roof. Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you.”

I had to tackle one cut at a time till I felt whole again. First I deleted every picture of he and I on social media. Those pictures used to represent great memories however now all I saw was a liar, a manipulator and a cheat. Erasing them was easy.

While the thoughts of him had started to fade, I still found I had too many reminders and he came into my mind all too often. I had to take it further. I had to ensure he couldn’t just enter my life again when he wanted. I needed to break my cycle. I blocked him and his girlfriend on social media. I wanted the freedom to post whatever I wanted and know they couldn’t just click a few times and find it. Through conversation I had found out that he unfriended me because he found my pictures attractive and that he was uncomfortable by them. It was just another mixed message. I want to be with her but you turn me on… STOP! I wanted him to be unable to access anything with my face in it.

Lastly, I blocked his number from being able to message me. No longer was I going to be potentially distracted by his cries for attention, his confused desires or his indecision as to how important I was in his life. I felt empowered.

“And by morning gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean.”

Everyday got easier. Everyday seemed brighter. Finally I woke up one morning and realized he hadn’t crossed my mind in over a day. That same day I saw him and felt nothing. It was like all the bullshit, the pain, the feelings and desire had been completely washed away. I felt like I was alive again for the first time in almost 4.5 years. That hold he had on me had vanished.

“Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it.”

I’ve taken every step to ensure I can’t slip again including acceptance. Acceptance that I am better than that relationship, that low level of appreciation and that quality of a partner.

I feel like I’m finally clean and it feels fantastic.

Den XO

Ps. If you haven’t heard the new T Swift you really should give it a try. She truly is a star and she is incredibly relatable in life experiences.

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Ugh my all time favourite word. Doesn’t it just roll off your tongue? It has such a rich, sophisticate, strong and did I mention rich sound to it. I firmly believe everyone needs a little Prada in their life.

My Mr. Prada is a good man. He is intelligent, handsome, sophisticated and very calm. A lawyer by day and a nice guy by night, this isn’t the first time we have started the relationship tug of war. A few years ago, we dated for a bit until I ended it. We never got serious because I knew that pursuing him fully could potentially end in marriage and at that point in my life I simply wasn’t ready. I was still mentally hung up on Judas and so I looked for any flaws in everyone I dated. His flaw: he was too nice… I realize that sounds crazy to you, believe me it now also sounds crazy to say it. I had become so used to a dramatic relationship that I forgot a good relationship is nearly always drama free.

Fast forward almost 2 years and out of no where a text from him asking me how I am doing and telling me I was still looking great! I guess he saw a pic f me somewhere on facebook. I was shocked to hear from him but also happy. He truly is one of those genuine nice guys that has somehow not been snatched up yet. A message from him was nice, a compliment was even better 🙂

We flirted for a few weeks, exchanged holiday as well as new years wishes. And luckily our lives slowed down enough to meet up again. It was like no time had passed at all. Our dinner conversation was filled with quick witted banter, constant flirting and some suggestive comments. Most importantly though, it was filled with laughs. I was my diva, high maintenance self and he just called me out on my shit and made fun of me for it. It wasn’t insulting, it was refreshing. A man that finds my quirks obnoxious and yet wants to hear more about them.

We hung out at his place, watched a movie and just talked, laughed and clearly got close. It was so easy! On paper he isn’t the physical man I picture myself with for life. Instead of a jock, he is a nerd, rather than the life of the party, he has a quiet confidence and where toughness and aggression would normally show, he is sensitive and soft. He does however share my same vision in regards to lifestyle (loves Prada), deal breakers and friendship. Brands are not shunned, they are fun! Trips aren’t too expensive, they are necessary, a nice meal can be found in a 5 star restaurant or in your home and a fun night can be at a bar or playing games with friends. He doesn’t take himself too seriously and laughs quite a bit at himself. It is an attractive quality no doubt.

Maybe we didn’t have fireworks or kisses that gave me goosebumps but we have chemistry on every level not just the physical. He is clear on where he is in life, what he wants and where I fit into the picture and so am I. There’s no games, no pulling teeth and no guessing. The best way to describe it is comfortable. I could just be.

I guess time will only tell whether I become his Gabrielle Solice. All I know is, the more I think about it, the more I want to. And let’s be honest, I would make one hot desperate husband.

Den XO

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It’s me Mario! Super Mario

My first date of 2015 was possibly the best first date I have ever been on! Full of conversation, laughter and not short lived. For the record, he chose the name Super Mario, don’t ask me why, he doesn’t play video games or own a television however it makes me laugh so I’m going with it.

First off, I’d like to thank Tinder for hooking me up with this guy. Who would have thought swiping right could result in such powerful connection. From day 1, the conversation was smooth, easy and always interesting. He isn’t at all my typical type. He is a total city boy, hates brand names, avoids big box stores and let me remind you, doesn’t own a television. I wouldn’t call him a hipster but he is certainly no high maintenance diva like me.

Our first date was an accident. We spoke about it for over a week, had planned out how it would happen and what we would do. Then on a random Friday, I got a text saying we should jut make it tonight! I panicked. I need prep time people. I mean I looked flawless of course but I was stressed. What would I wear? What would we do? What would we talk about? What if our chemistry was just destined to exist over text message :s AH! Just as I was trying to talk myself out of it, he said the following: “Some of the best things in life have been spontaneous.” I had no response, no reason to disagree, so I jumped.

The night began with skating, an activity I hadn’t done since another awesome first date years ago! For over a 90 minutes we took turns talking about our lives, what we did for a living, where we grew up, what are families were like. He made me blush constantly and without even trying. It just kept happening for some unknown reason. At least we weren’t facing each other so I could somewhat hide it. It was so much fun, I didn’t care that I was freezing or that my skate was cutting into me. I wanted to reach for his hand so many times but for some reason I was too chicken to! What if he pulled away? What if someone had a problem with us? Ugh I should have just done it…

He decided that food was probably a good idea since we had both skipped dinner and just burned a ton of calories. I was pretty excited because if he wanted me to join him it meant he was having a great time as well. So we hit up this little asian restaurant and wasted another two hours sharing apps and having a few drinks. The damn blushing kept happening but this time around I had no way of hiding it. What was I going to do? Stare at the table, cover my face? I just owned it and hoped he though I was getting hot or something. Time passed by too easily and the conversation continued to flow naturally. After 4 hours, I thought for sure he had grown sick of me but to my surprise, he looked at me and said, wanna come up for a bit and continue this conversation.

Ok so here is where the tough decision had to be made. I know what it means to go up to someone’s place at nearly 1am and I just didn’t want it to be for that reason. I chose to make it clear that there was going to be no funny business if I walked in those doors. After all, that would go against my New Years resolution. As the words came out of my mouth, the fear of being dropped crept in. I’m not sure why, I mean if that’s all someone wants from me than I’m ok to say I don’t need them, but I wanted this guy to be good with it and not drop me. I wanted him to be different and once again to my surprise: “well that is presumptuous of you, I just assumed you’d rather talk somewhere warm than on the streets”. It was music to my ears.

I got a tour of his pad and while he sat at his desk to throw on some music, I sat on the bed. I swear it was the only seat nearby! He turned to me with a smirk and said: “for someone who wants no funny business, you wasted no time getting ready for it.” What do you say to that! All I could do was laugh and blush yet again… Damn I hate the effect he has on me.

He eventually joined me though and after more talking and basic cuddling he finally leaned in and gave me “my New Years” kiss! It was like fireworks. I can’t really explain it better than that. Just like amazing. Before I knew it it was 2:30am and we had been on this ride for over 6 hours. In an effort to not break my resolution, I got off that bed and began to start the “that was fun lets do it again soon” talk when he looked at me and asked me to stay the night. It was too late to drive 45 minutes home he said.

Ugh I was so torn! 95% of me wanted to scream yes! But that 5% was freaking the fuck out! What to do? Could I really sleep over and stay in control? Could I be that strong? And if I was capable, would he take it as disinterest? As a sign that I was a prude? Ugh in the cutest most adorable possible way, I reminded him of my resolution and my intentions. He just smiled. He grabbed my hand, pulled me back on the bed and with a smile said: “No pressure, I just said you should stay over and sleep. Whatever you choose, I’m good with.” It was so genuine, so honest. So for the second time that evening I jumped.

We both behaved.

We’ve had another great date together and I have to be honest, the chemistry is just unmeasurable. The guy gives me goosebumps with a kiss. It’s so unusual for me to feel that way or behave that way. We may not always have the most intellectually stimulating conversations, however they are always playful and enjoyable. It’s not all day and night texting but it’s consistent and equally shared. I don’t feel like I’m reaching for this guy.

My one fear is that he isn’t clear on where he stands with me. I am afraid he is emotionally unavailable. A guy that’s going to keep me guessing about how he feels, how we are, what we are and where we are heading. After the last 4.5 years of Judas, I can’t sign up for that.

It has now been 5 weeks of this back and forth so perhaps next time we meet if the passion is still soaring, we will have to have that conversation. Till then I will just continue to flirt my way through our day to day nonsense.

Den XO

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