Would it feel better?

If you are in your 30’s and still single, you have probably built up a fair share of wins and losses in both the love and lust departments. Are you lonely yet? With my 32nd birthday quickly approaching, I’m not exaggerating when I say it pains me not to have a man in my life who loves me to celebrate and be with.

Sometimes the loneliness is palpable .

I try not to complain. Friends and colleagues express how great my life is to me on a regular basis, some even claiming jealousy. And I don’t disagree, I do have one amazing life. I’m in my dream job, travel regularly, have a substantial amount of success in my career as well as in my past sport life and I actually have the greatest friends and family on the planet but at the end of the day, I come home to an empty condo. No one to welcome me, no one to embrace me and no one who makes my face light up when I see them. I hate myself a little bit for saying this but it hurts not to have a man!in my life.

I discussed this at great lengths with a friend recently and they talked a lot about timing. About how we could find someone we love and it simply couldn’t work not due to lack of feelings, desire or compability but rather due to time. That life was pulling in other directions which made building something impossible. 

I find myself wishing lately that I hadn’t prioritized my sporting career for as long as I did. I mean I spent 20-25 hrs a week for just about 2 decades training. It left next to no time or energy for that matter for a social life. What if I had spent more weekends out with friends, or in social leagues or university instead of in the gym. Would that have affected my “timing”?

Being single isn’t all bad. It allows for a lot of freedom in my work and creates the opportunity for impulsive decisions which often bring great adventure. But I fear becoming hopeless and numb to love.

The last few failed attempts at a relationship have left me feeling next to nothing. I’ve just shrugged them off almost as if it’s just what I expected. Like this is just how it’s meant to be for me. 

I don’t want attention for this. I don’t want to be told “he’s out there”, “you’ll meet him”, “you are a total catch”… The truth is people end up alone all the time and I know that it’s a possibility. I know that it’s just mankind’s way of trying to be encouraging and supportive but I hate it because it’s not true. Not everyone finds their soulmate, not everyone gets to live happily ever after and that’s life. 

I don’t understand how having pretty much everything can still feel like you have nothing. I’m starting to be afraid that if someone kissed me where it’s sore, would it feel better? Would I feel anything at all? 

Den XO

This entry was posted in Boys Boys Boys, Self Esteem and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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