When relationships end they often leave a set of scars. Some of them are shallow while others are incredibly deep and take forever to heal, if they ever do. Taylor Swift has a great song on her album “1989” about the break up and healing process that I can’t help but identify strongly with: “Clean”
Its been nearly two months since my final battle with Judas. I’ll never forget that night. The yelling, the crying, the pain, the disbelief and most of all the realization that the person I was looking at was simply a mere shade of who I was hoping he was.
“The drought was the very worst. When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst”
The build up for the break up was terrible. I felt like I was in the desert and I was dying of thirst. Thirst for affection, commitment, honesty and most of all trust. It was exhausting trying to find an ounce of proof or hope that he was being real and that we were making it work. That all changed on December 8th.
“The rain came pouring down. When I was drowning that’s when I could finally breath.”
It was intense. I went home so angry! My world had officially caved in on me and I had no clue what was happening. I felt so overwhelmed and yet as the sky turned black and the storm hit, I felt free. I feel like I lost 160lbs that night. By the time morning came, I felt lighter, stronger and happier. You don’t realize how exhausting it is to be the only person fighting for something. You don’t realize how toxic something has become while you are still submerged in it. When I woke up and I was no longer upset, I new I was already starting to heal.
“So I punched a whole in the roof. Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you.”
I had to tackle one cut at a time till I felt whole again. First I deleted every picture of he and I on social media. Those pictures used to represent great memories however now all I saw was a liar, a manipulator and a cheat. Erasing them was easy.
While the thoughts of him had started to fade, I still found I had too many reminders and he came into my mind all too often. I had to take it further. I had to ensure he couldn’t just enter my life again when he wanted. I needed to break my cycle. I blocked him and his girlfriend on social media. I wanted the freedom to post whatever I wanted and know they couldn’t just click a few times and find it. Through conversation I had found out that he unfriended me because he found my pictures attractive and that he was uncomfortable by them. It was just another mixed message. I want to be with her but you turn me on… STOP! I wanted him to be unable to access anything with my face in it.
Lastly, I blocked his number from being able to message me. No longer was I going to be potentially distracted by his cries for attention, his confused desires or his indecision as to how important I was in his life. I felt empowered.
“And by morning gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean.”
Everyday got easier. Everyday seemed brighter. Finally I woke up one morning and realized he hadn’t crossed my mind in over a day. That same day I saw him and felt nothing. It was like all the bullshit, the pain, the feelings and desire had been completely washed away. I felt like I was alive again for the first time in almost 4.5 years. That hold he had on me had vanished.
“Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it.”
I’ve taken every step to ensure I can’t slip again including acceptance. Acceptance that I am better than that relationship, that low level of appreciation and that quality of a partner.
I feel like I’m finally clean and it feels fantastic.
Ps. If you haven’t heard the new T Swift you really should give it a try. She truly is a star and she is incredibly relatable in life experiences.