I have been lying to just about everyone. Well if I haven’t been lying, I’ve been omitting the truth. For the last 3 months, I have been dating Judas again. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew that die to our hectic past, my friends would likely not be supportive. I think I also didn’t say anything because I doubted whether or not it would work an didn’t want to deal with the embarrassment that it failed yet again or that I fell for the games yet again. Keep in mind, after 4,5 years of back and forth, my friends are rightfully tired or hearing his name.
On Monday, I finally go the nerve and confidence to tell him I was done with him. It was like the last straw finally broke when I heard one word: stalker. You see I figured out that he was cheating on his girlfriend with me in February(and again in the summer) but believed him in the fall when he said they were done because he became much more accessible. The dates become more and more frequent, the texts started flowing and the planning for the future (weekend getaways, location change in 1.5 years) started being put into place. It wasn’t until I ran into an old friend who happened to be associated with her still that I found out he was up to his old tricks. But it was worse this time, I was informed that when rumors started to circulate that he and I were together, he allowed her to believe and spread that I was stalking him in order to not have to fess up to the truth.
Never has a sentence been more hurtful to me than that one. I mean after 4.5 years of love, forgiveness and acceptance, I wasn’t even worthy of acknowledgement. Instead, he allowed people to perceive me as crazy. I felt like someone flipped my world upside down and all balance had been lost. It was even more shocking because less than 2 weeks prior, we had talked about me taking a job in the US in order to make his life easier since coming out was proving to be a bigger challenge than anticipated for him. He had a strong reaction and told me that it wouldn’t matter where in the world I moved, he would always find a way to stay involved with me and pursue me… his words, not mine. It made it even more clear that he was the one pursuing me this time around.
I am trying to restore balance to my world now and to put an end to this awful rumor. I think since he started it, it’s only fair that he take the lead on killing it. I told him the following on Monday: “I need you to stop this rumor and tell her that you invited and encouraged me to pursue us.” He freaked out and claimed I was trying to force him to come out. Umm no, I didn’t ask him to tell her:
– that we have spent over 2 of the last 4 years officially dating
– that he used to have a key to my house so he could stop in if he had a free morning or evening
– that Wednesday and Saturday used to be our sleepover nights where we would make dinner together and then watch a movie or just do our individual work
– that he has been telling me for 3 months we are in exclusive relationship
– that the last time I kissed him was Saturday, and before that was Friday
I guess I just need to decide how important it is for me to have people know my side of the truth. I mean I have kept every picture of us (cuddly, kissing, funny), every letter(I like them) and of course all the text messages he has sent me.
I can’t decide if I should just send them to her myself! Take control of the situation and only rely on myself to clear it up. I realize I didn’t make the mess, but I am in the middle of it. UGH I am so torn…