**I am dedicating this post to a dear friend of mine who was recently hurt by this topic. You are wonderful and you deserve better!**
The act of cheating seems to be a theme that is becoming incredibly popular in my life. Maybe it’s always been there and due to my lack of interest or experience with it, it went unnoticed or unacknowledged. I feel surrounded it by as of late.
What possesses human beings to cheat? Do we not think before we act? Are we just too selfish to realize that we are going to hurt someone? Do we even care if someone gets hurt? Are we just naïve and think we won’t get caught?
When it comes to relationships, you can be cheated on both emotionally and physically. I think the emotional cheat hurts the most. I mean physical cheating sucks don’t get me wrong but those actions can be just hormonal. You can sleep with a total stranger and have no attachment or sentiments towards them. It’s an inner desire and animalistic act that takes over. The truth is no matter how sexually enticed or deprived you may feel, you have other options. Boys have hands and we have access to videos (don’t pretend you don’t do it). Finding out your partner has been with someone else cuts like a knife.
An intelligent woman once told me that a man doesn’t leave a relationship unless he has something else waiting for him and that is exactly what emotional cheating is. You find out your partner has been connecting on a spiritual level with someone else. They have allowed themselves to enter a sort of relationship by letting someone get close to them and invited them into their world. They get the texts, the smile, the laughs, the inside jokes, pet names and conversation. All the perks you are supposed to have by being their one and only. This cheating isn’t a one night thing. It’s something that takes place over an extended period of time and it makes you feel as if you weren’t good enough. As if your love wasn’t real and like that person didn’t love you to begin with. It leaves you feeling used, manipulated and unworthy of love. It’s the lie, the deceit the breach of trust that hurts the most. The person you loved the most couldn’t just be honest and tell you they weren’t happy. They had to go behind your back and start something new before leaving you there to suffer.
As someone who has been a cheater and also cheated on, I have to tell you that the cheater may feel bad but they were completely aware of what they were doing and they were in full control. They may feel remorse, guilt and sorry but they can’t say it was an accident. They can’t say it wasn’t intentional. I knew exactly what I was doing. I may not have known why I felt the need to do it at the time but later on the dots connected and it all made sense. It was a bad choice I made and there is no excuse that can be made for it. It may have just been one kiss but it crossed a line none the less and emotionally, I chose to not have the balls to break up with my man before doing it. I could have, I just didn’t. Not excusable, not acceptable, not ok. If you cheated, you can ask for forgiveness but know that they may choose not to give you and that isn’t wrong of them, it’s still wrong on you. Learn from it, hurt from it, grow from it and smarten up so you don’t end up alone.
If you have been cheated on you have to remember that you did nothing wrong! It’s not your fault they chose to ruin everything. You are not less of a person, you are not failing and you didn’t bring it upon yourself. You didn’t deserve it and it is not indicative of the kind of relationship you are destined to have. You have to forgive yourself for feeling responsible but you also have to allow yourself to feel sad and sorry for yourself. I mean let’s be real, it fucking sucks! You are allowed to be mad, sad, angry and you should let that out in a healthy way. Set a time limit though! 15 minutes a day tops… If you spend all your time being sad you won’t move forward, you won’t find reasons to smile and you won’t get the opportunity to shine so bright that the person who screwed you will regret everything and realize they lost out in all of it. NOT YOU!
Don’t look for answers as to why it happened. They weren’t your choices! Believe me, you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how someone could treat you so poorly. You can’t understand why they did it because you loved them too much to even consider doing it yourself. Don’t be angry with yourself if you can’t forgive them. Why should you? They didn’t value you enough to earn your forgiveness.
I think the song “Resentment – Beyoncé” best hits the emotional ride being cheated on can take you on. I know for me, it is exactly what I think and feel when I think of what happened. It’s like it was written for me down to the smallest part… Things like “look what you’ve done to me”, “she is half of me, she ain’t even half of me”, “I couldn’t do it for you like that white bitch could”… Ugh just unreal how strong these lyrics are!
At the end of the day, you are the one who needs to be happy and you won’t be if you blame yourself for your former partner’s stupidity. Be good to yourself, be positive and be in your own corner. You are probably a lot stronger than you think and they weren’t… Chin up my dear friend! Someone will love you the way you deserve to be loved and you will be thankful that you were available to meet them even if the circumstances that set it up hurt more than anything else you have ever experienced.