Misplaced hate

I was running through my recent relationship drama while working out tonight when the anger really hit me. Reliving the moments in my head made incredibly annoyed, frustrated and quite frankly pissed off! I was suddenly so mad at myself… Yes you read that right, mad at myself. When I realized that I was being hard on myself I began to wonder:

Is it normal to hate yourself more after a breakup than how much you hate the man who broke your heart?

My self hate stems from feeling as though I should have seen it coming. I mean this was the 4th time around the block for us. It was 4 years of never being different but I kept telling myself that this time it would be. I kept believing everything he said like the “I love you”, or the “You are the person I can’t picture life without” and of course the “I want to be with you”. I am mad because his actions proved otherwise and I’m even more mad that after all of this I still believe he was telling me the truth.

I know I should be angry with him for lying to me, leading me on, not having the guts to end it despite not wanting to be in it anymore, and for allowing me to think things had changed. I should never want to see his face again and I should want him to feel as bad and hurt as he has made me feel. For some reason though, I can’t shift my brain to feel that.

I guess I can’t believe that this all happened. That I allowed myself to be emotionally slutty with a man who keeps his emotions to himself and never fully let me in. He played a huge role in my life and I believed he was my future.

I know this isn’t rational but I hate myself for loving him.

DRJV

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