Does what doesn’t kill you actually make you stronger?

I’ve been having a rough time lately with a failed relationship. I thought it was going so well. It was moving at a slow pace however it was the pace I felt was best for the two of us. After being off and on again for about 3 years, this finally felt like the right path for us and our love.

That was till second thoughts happened on his part, not mine. You see I broke a very important rule in the gay world. I got invested in a man who was still in the closet. My circle of friends knew all about it had even attended parties with us but his side was completely unaware.

Finding out that he had moved on within 2 weeks and that it was reasonably serious hurt more than I thought it could. It made me feel like maybe what we had wasn’t real or that it wasn’t as real for him. I felt used, sad, unwanted and to be perfectly honest, not good enough.

So here we are a month later and the hurt hasn’t really stopped yet. It’s not only the new relationship, it’s the loss of trust, the lying, the loss of a friendship I held so dearly to my heart. Sometimes looking at him is a challenge simply because I don’t feel like I am still looking at the same guy.

Here I stand, 11 lbs lighter, feeling incredibly lost and unstable wondering if I will ever feel like myself again. It hasn’t killed me, although I felt like it was going to. When do I figure out that it made stronger? Right now I just feel like it’s made me bitter and fearful of falling in love again.

When do you stop hurting and start feeling strong again? Let’s hope it’s soon…

DRJV

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