In less than 1 week I will turn 27. Not a significant number at all. No milestones are hit, no exciting perks to the new age, just another number, just another year older. Well for most people anyways…
For me it is the day I become 3 years closer to being 30! I personally don’t think 30 is old and I know for a fact that I don’t look anywhere near it. Yet for some reason this week is has been a source of negativity and sadness for me. I am in the process of making a list of 30 things I want to do before I turn 30, an idea a good friend gave me (Thanks JP). It’s been great for me because I’ve gotten to set some firm goals that I actually want to accomplish and also reflect on all the amazing things I’ve done.
Beyonce – I was here
What is sad and negative is the fact that sometimes I still feel like a loser. I still feel like that kid in high school who didn’t have a specific click to fit himself into. I still feel self conscience, weak, insignificant, un-accomplished, unworthy and unattractive. I sometimes still feel lost. I feel fearful that I may not live up to what people expect of me or of what I think I am capable of. I feel fearful that everything I’ve accomplished in the long run really means nothing. It’s an incredibly stupid thing to think yet this week, I find myself thinking it.
6 days before my 27th birthday, I can say I own a house, a car, 3 World Championship medals, a World Games Silver (olympics for non-olympic sports), excel at the sport that is my passion, have an amazing career with I love, am accomplished in my career, am surrounded by amazing friends, have been in love and have been loved. So why on earth do I have this little mental slip up still every now and again?
I personally think that having a few setbacks bring this on. I’ve been on the injured list for 12 weeks and the recovery has been painfully slow! It really feels non-existent! Add on top of that the setbacks in my personal life and I think it adds up to just enough negative to push me into a minor down spiral on the confidence chart.
What to do with it? Well, all I can tell you is that I plan on getting over it. I’m going to focus on my strengths, not my weaknesses! My high points rather than my insecurities. And I am going to keep being me and showing the world just how fabulous that can be. I guess days like this just remind us that confidence is something that always needs to be worked on in order to be maintained. It’s a skill and not everyone acquires it so easily.